Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Girl Friend Dance / Does My Butt Look Big in These Jeans?

The Girl friend dance is a tricky dance. I crave the company of women and sometimes run like hell from it. The realization that every complaint I have about my girlfriends is something I do or have done myself is heartening.

The greatest support and love to be found in the world has sometimes come from women. So has the deepest judgement and betrayal.

At the moment I am on the outs with one of my best girlfriends. In the modern world that would be BFF or bestie. I don't know what those letters stand for but it means she is an important member of my posse.

Most of my best friends in life have been men. I think somewhat like a man. This said, I can not avoid the fact that although I only have a little left, estrogen still is present in my biological structure.I need female friends.

The hurts of my youth, the parties I did not get invited to, the best friends who out grew me and made other best friends, the teams where I was picked last, oh dear, the drama of girlfriends, have these things colored my friendships today?

I can't stand these shows about the real house wives because I see them pointing up the pit falls of female friendships with out any redemption or lessons learned. I wonder if I have learned the girl friend dance?

 I want to blame estrogen for my transgressions. Estrogen can bring the crazies at any point in life. I say "My whores are moaning", hormones we are told can rage. When this happens LOOK OUT! The truth is I am responsible for my actions. I can be a solid friend, loving and thoughtful and I can throw you under the bus when my feelings get hurt or I get pissed off.

 I think the core problem is control. I want it. Not just over myself but over you. Sometimes this little devil named control comes disguised in "only wanting to protect you." or "someone just had to tell you the truth".

Men have learned that the answer to " Does my butt look big in these jeans?" is ALWAYS " No honey, you have a terrific behind." They hear the shot gun cock when you ask that question. But girl friends stand strong in needing to be the one to tell you "the truth".

Is it ever OK to not tell the truth? Do you really want to hear that those jeans are two sizes to small and the muffin top is unattractive on a women your age? Do you really want to hear your girl friend tell you that even though he has served his time and has been completely drug free for six months he is still not boyfriend material? Is it OK to say," No matter what you feel, if he hasn't called and has not asked you out he just is not interested?"  Well, yes and no.

At this point in my life I am still working on knowing when and how to share my authentic opinion. It is a dangerous dance. One wrong step and a tempest in the tea pot.Feelings are involved yours and mine. Our hopes, dreams, and fears are involved, yours and mine. Buttons get pushed, yours and mine. I ask myself the question what is kind and what is just my projection based on my own set of circumstances?

This is what I have come to today. Opinions, even for someones "own good", are still just my opinion based on my experiences. If it lacks compassion keep my mouth shut. That is worth saying twice. If it lacks compassion don't go there. The need to control another persons experience never has a good end. It may hurt or it creates dependency.

 Why is so difficult to watch our girlfriends make mistakes and learn life lessons without trying to control the experience? I know in my case that what I want is someone to stand beside me while I learn life lessons and bring the peanut butter cookies if they were really tough to learn. I want my friends to trust my path, listen to my stories, encourage me to cry if I need to, and help me laugh again when I'm done. I want them to ask important questions that, when I answer them, help me to hear my own truth.

If my butt was big when I put the jeans on, it still will be big! LOL Accepting and loving myself completely is an inside job. No outside stuff will ever be enough to replace a good relationship with myself.

I commit today to being the kind of friend I want. It is a big order but so worthwhile. Being my best self does not mean I need to solve all your problems. It means I see in you everything you need to figure them out. I remind you that something in you knows exactly what to do. I don't fall into judgement, I stand in love.
To my bestie, I am sorry, I love you, how are the Dodgers doing?


  1. Happy to follow on this journey with you. I hope I am open enough to learn something while we travel.
    Patricia Rose-A Potpourri of Fabric, Fragrance and Findings

  2. We've travel many roads together and you know that I am in for the long haul. Let us walk through this life together as friends, to lean upon, to learn from each other and to enjoy the love that is call unconditional.

    Always you BFF,

  3. Thank You ladies. Candace you are one of the original besties. Your story will show up on these pages I am sure! Patricia some day we will meet and I will really get to hug you. (hugs) till then.

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  5. what i meant to say, true sista, is thanks for the words of wisdom and that I one day hope to speak the truth as kindly and clearly as you.